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Praise Jesus and pass the ammunition

Today I have something on my mind and it’s probably going to be “ranty” so I apologize now should the tone become sharp.

It’s also going to target organized religion, so strap those pants on too..

Disclaimer: I was born and raised into a Christian home. I have experienced three forms of Baptist and two forms of Pentecostal and was ultimately kicked out of my church because I committed a cardinal sin against Christianity.

I dared question it. I haven’t stopped since because I’ve seen enough movies to know that the closer you get to the actual truth the harder they will work to keep you from getting to it.

I have just read a Twitter entry essentially praising God for the destruction in Nepal and joyously celebrating death as if they won the big game.

So, a brown person dies in a natural disaster and your reaction is “Praise Jesus! Good, glad they’re dead.”

This person who you do not know, will never know, has never harmed you in any way is suddenly being celebrated for being dead because they lived in another area of the world, spoke a different language or worse yet, dared to worship a different god?

This makes you a monster. In every sense of that word, you are everything wrong with America and human beings in general.

Your fellow human beings have been killed and you celebrate in the name of your god? As if somehow their deaths are a gift to you? How fucking arrogant can you Christians be? No seriously, I’m targeting you because Jews don’t act this fucking way. Buddhist don’t act this fucking way. Even ATHEISTS don’t act this fucking way…

You claim the moral high ground yet when that morality is tested you become the most loathsome and horrible people I’ve ever come in contact with. It’s disturbing how quickly you can change, and having lived with a Schizophrenic person for the last decade, you all seem an awful lot like that.

Everything is fine until you experience a little hiccup then suddenly you’re on some sort of holy crusade to stop the blacks, then the gays, the transgendered and now you’re after the poor and anyone else who doesn’t agree with something you THINK your book says, when in fact, it doesn’t.

You would rather attack these groups, fight to create second and third classes of citizens instead of reaching out to them in caring and love THE WAY JESUS SAID and actually helping them.

Instead, you’ve allowed ignorance and arrogance to be your two driving forces. You don’t know what it is, so you assume it’s evil and must be destroyed.

For the love of Christ, this is the Twenty-First Century. Folks, we know what the sun is now. We know where the rain comes from; we understand things our predecessors did not. We do not NEED to make up fantastic ideas anymore to explain why this world is the way it is. We don’t NEED the Magic Man in the sky to explain away the things that scare us because we understand them, but you choose to remain rooted in your ignorance and fear, yelling that “God Hates Gays” and telling us all we’re going to Hell.

God does not hate us. It doesn’t hate you or me or the gays or the poor or the brown people you’re scared of this week.

God granted us life in whatever way that happened and then told us to live and prosper and be kind to each other.

I don’t remember anywhere in the Bible where it says “And the Lord they God said unto Abraham, fuck the poor for they do not deserve good meat, fuck the gays, but not like that, because surely they choose to be gay, just like you choose to be straight. Fuck the sick, for if they weren’t lazy they could afford health insurance. Fuck the poor again, for they are surely drug users and prostitutes. Fuck the brown people you my chosen Christians dislike and I will smite them because I have nothing better to do than worry about your buillshit.”

Nope, not in the Bible. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s exactly the opposite.

I have never actually said this before. I’ve thought it, but now I’m saying it.

This world and we as a people would be dramatically better off if organized religion were a thing of the past.

Your religion is like your penis. I know you have one, but you keep it out of my business because I have my own and it’s doing just fine.

My soul is not your concern. My personal life is not your concern. My faith is different than yours and I do not believe that there is an all-powerful being with nothing better to do than count the number of times I’ve said “fuck” leading up to some sort of all-encompassing punishment that is somehow as fitting for Adolf Hitler as it is for me. Seriously?

You do remember we left England because some asshole there decided Christianity was the only religion, right?

I’ll close with one simple question to put this in perspective.

If your family died in an earthquake and people went on television yelling “Glory to Allah these people are dead in His name!” how would you feel?

Seriously….. Christians, you are not the only ones on this planet, and frankly, you’re losing numbers. You should think about that when the next wave of “relocation camps” is being considered.

Acceptance and duality

Yesterday afternoon in a fit of frustration I typed some words in a post on Facebook in which I probably should have shown a bit of restraint; but I didn’t and the sentence was punctuated with “There, I’m out, okay?”

Seems the cat and I are both out, so here we go.

My earliest memory of crossdressing isn’t even a crossdressing memory as such; it’s tactile responses to fabrics, olfactory responses to smells…  these things just felt right to me; I knew from day one that I was supposed to be wearing dresses and sleeping in a nightgown. I didn’t just want it, I knew it was right for me at my very core. My family however did not agree with me.

As a boy I was supposed to learn to be a boy. I was to wear jeans and play outside in the dirt with tractors and learn to spit and play with dead birds…. I really wanted to be next door with my friend Jenny playing Barbies but apparently boys don’t play with Barbies so I didn’t play. I stayed in my bedroom and drew on the walls, listened to shortwave radio and wished I was playing with Barbies. I watched Jenny and I grow apart and one day she stopped being my friend because “I was a boy now”.

Every time I was found with an item of “girl’s” clothing I was spanked, but one instance in particular stands out. My father caught me wearing a pair of underwear that was apparently not suitable. All I really remember is being on the bed as he was almost flailing and hitting me and screaming “You are not a girl!!!!” I managed to whimper, “I know I’m not!” and he stopped immediately and left the room.

I think in that moment he realized that this was truly who and what I was and he wasn’t going to be able to hit it out of me.

He never spanked me after that and when I was a teenager he became the only member of my family to support me. I know he never understood fully what drove me, but he understood it was real and meant more to me than I had ever been able to tell anyone.

However, this went way beyond clothes; they were just the one thing I associated with how I felt inside so they became the one thing I could use to show the world how I felt… I knew those things were supposed to be mine, yet they kept trying to force me into the uncomfortable things that boys wore and kept trying to fit me into that mold yet I kept popping out more fabulous than before.

I learned to shave my legs and my armpits before I knew how to shave my face. I knew how to apply makeup properly and I watched fashion trends. I knew I couldn’t be friends with boys so I tried to have female friends at school, but even they wouldn’t accept me into their circles. I didn’t have anyone I could relate to at all….. this is why I was always alone, by the way.

Surely my family must have supported me and helped me cope with these pressures though, right?

Not even a little bit; the actions my family took through their fear and unwillingness to accept me drove me into a very gender dysphoric state and on two instances I tried to remove my penis. I failed miserably both times.

I didn’t do this because I thought I was in the wrong body however; No, I wanted to be a girl so I could wear the clothes I knew I was supposed to be wearing and still have my mother like me. I just wanted my mom to like me…

I figured if I was a girl she would like me like she did my sister and we could all be happy; but I wasn’t, she didn’t, and we weren’t.

Let me answer the usual questions.

1. Are you gay? Well, yes and no. I am a pretty committed lesbian living in this body, so maybe. :)

2. Are you going to transition?? The long and short answer is no.

I have accepted the male body I was born into but I have also accepted that I have a wonderfully female brain.

30 years ago that answer would have probably been very different, but I didn’t have a family that would have bothered supporting me with something like this and it’s not what this is about.

I’m still exactly who I was yesterday and who I will be tomorrow. I’ve just started letting people know who that really is and I hope you’ll all travel with me, but if not I fully understand.

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